Tag Archives: healing
01. Oct, 2012

Healing wounds…

Healing wounds…

People say that time heals all wounds and I believe that idea to a point. I think that the rawness of a painful situation start to lessen as each day goes by. It becomes easier to get up each morning and eventually you stop just going through the motions. One day you wake up and you realize you have made it through five minutes without your mind being wrapped up in the situation and the pain. And as life does; time marches on and somehow you begin to settle back into a routine of normalcy.  Yet the thing that always gets me is that no matter how much time has passed there will always be something that triggers your memory. It might be something simple like a song, a smell, a name, a similar looking person, a date etc., but there is always something that takes you back. Sure the emotions might not be as intense as they once were but your heart is still attached to that memory.

Six years on and no matter how hard I try I cannot forget this date. It has been imprinted into my heart whether I like it or not and it is a part of my story.  I imagine that if the last five years are any indication tonight I will struggle to sleep. I guess I wanted to write a blog tonight because though this date is hard for my heart, I am so very thankful for what God has done in my life and for me since then. My life was not ruined at the hands of a selfish man like I thought it would be. To be honest if I could, I would take the night of rape out of my story. I would rewrite the script in an instant if I was in charge. At the same time, I would not change how deep it made my relationship with God. That night challenged me in ways I would never imagine and there were some very dark times that made survival almost impossible. I guess what really pulled me through was the ray of hope that God allowed in my life. He placed a family in my life that soon absorbed me as their own and helped me fight through the muck. At some point I realized I would wake up and go through an entire day without thinking of that night.  And eventually my heart was healed, but not by time like many think. I owe my mended heart to the patience of God and of my loving family. And for that I am thankful.

55. I am thankful that God did not say yes to my broken prayer that night and that I am still here experiencing life.
56.  I am abundantly thankful for the family that He placed me in
57. I am so grateful that I no longer live in fear
58. I am thankful for God who hears my cries
59. I am grateful I can laugh again and that I am not like a zombie
60. I am thankful that I can connect with girls that have similar experiences to me

31. May, 2012

I am not who I used to be….

I am not who I used to be….

“What this means is that those who become  Christians become new persons. They are not the same anymore, for the old life is gone. A new life has begun!”- 2 Corinthians 5:17

“But forget all of that-it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am about to do a brand-new thing. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness for my people to come home. I will create rivers for them in the desert!”-Isaiah 43:18-19

The purpose of this blog is different then most that I have written. So bear with me as it might get a bit long (sorry to some of you who hate reading but stick with me!) I guess this blog has kind of formed out of a really interesting week for me. This week, I had the most amazing encounter with God that I would never have expected to have in a million years. Not only that but I preached my second sermon so far and had kind of an update meeting with my wonderful teacher Chris Opie from Pathways college. This blog is coming from a heart that can not stop from giving thanks to God and not stop falling on my face before Him.

I know some of you knew back in my darker days and saw that ugly side of me, and some of you have thankfully not had to witness that, but have only begun to see the transformed me that God is continually working. But I wanted to start by saying God has not done a tweak in my life, He has completely transformed my life. Some of you here in NZ who know me now might not have noticed me if you had passed me on the shops three years ago. And as I have been thinking about it the last couple of weeks, I am so continually blown away that I keep hitting my knees in awe and thankfulness as I look around me and see the amazing works that God has done in my life. What really hit it all home was when I sat down on Saturday morning with my Mug&Muffin girls and watched one of my favorite Bible teachers Beth Moore, share about a life transformed in David. And I seriously wanted to break down and cry right then (tears of joy). I sit here at the end of a very full week and I look back, I see the faithfulness and fingerprints of God all the way through it. For me, I know I am not the same girl I used to be and I can not take any credit for that. Because I know if I did that I would need to be struck down with lighting (hahaha Peyton) or something. For me tonight this has been my wake up moment and I have realized that I know I am not where I used to be, not by a long shot. I am very thankful and humbled and happy to say that as much as the enemy tried, he did not get all that he wanted from me.

I want to share with some of you who haven’t seen me in a year or two (or who have facebook stalked me via photos and what not) what has been going down on my side of the world. At the beginning of this year, I have had the amazing privilege to be accepted into Pathways Bible College, and am working part time on a certificate in Worship Leading. Never in a million years would I have ever believed that God would do such a thing for me. Not even when I was a little girl singing worship songs with my dad on stage at summer camp would I believe that something like this would be part of my life at 18. Pathways has already begun to stretch me and change me in ways I would never have thought possible. (thanks Chris Opie and Craig Barrow) but the things I am learning, I continue to be blown away by. The people that I have been able to come into contact with because of this program blow my socks off. I am so glad I am not the only weird one out there, but there are others like me. I find myself growing in my knowledge and area of worship, in my walk with God, and in my prayer life.

The other thing that has happened is that God has continued to allow me to be apart of an amazing, growing, blossoming youth group that has God’s fingerprints all over it. Now if you had asked me three years ago if I would ever be apart of a youth group that was so on fire I would say no. This youth group has challenged me in so many areas that I can’t even begin to name them all. But the few that stick out as the most prominate is that I have had the privilege of having amazing youth pastors and leaders around me who have encouraged me to step up and use my gifts when I have wanted to shy away and just ignore the fact that I might have any to begin with. For me I am really insecure person (just being honest.) So to even think about getting up and sticking up my hand and saying “ya I will do that” scares the crap out of me! But in the last year, I have not only seen my guitar/singing abilities change and grow slowly, but I have had the opportunity of being able to preach two messages on things that God has been teaching me. I never would have even imagined doing something like that……EVER!!! But God has decided other wise. 😉 funny that ey. But I haven’t gotten up there doing it by myself, but I know that I have had not only the backing of a youth pastor who has looked over my sermon and my academic advisor (AKA my dad) but I have had the surrounding and prayer of people around the world. That in and of itself has allowed me to fall back into knowing I am not doing my life on my own and it isn’t me against the world like I used to think.

The other really neat God thing is that God has opened the door and allowed me to be able to, is as 1 Corinthians 11:1 says “Follow my example as I follow Christ’s” with some girls. I have had the the most knee knocking, scaring me half to death, but oh so rewarding opportunity to speak into the lives of some girls at my youth group as well as some that have been coming to the girls Bible study I have been holding in my house. To watch as the girls wrestle with God, and seek God and finally hit that point of surrendering to God has been amazing. And the fact that God doesn’t waste anything and has continued to use bits of my story to be a sign post to these girls has blown my mind to no end.

And as I sit here tonight I realized that all of those months of me saying “there has got to be a reason why Satan is attacking me so hard right now, there has got to be something in New Zealand that Satan isn’t happy about” is now all starting to make sense. As I was drifting off to sleep its like a light bulb went off in my head. Some of these things began to make sense, and it is like the veil of heaven got pulled back for a split second and some stuff finally started clicking. God has absolutely done a 180 with my life that I can take no credit for it, and I hope that I am becoming a woman that when people see me, they see nothing of me but every ounce of me gets to point back to God and His glory. No I am not writing this to say look at how great I am, but merely to humbly say that I am not who I used to be. I made a conscious decision to obey my God rather than my fear and insecurity and sin. Just like I chose to walk away, I also chose to walk back and say “actually God, You take back over my life because I did a messy job of it by my own hands”. So I guess what I wanted to communicate is that God was good and so faithful and so mind blowing and so merciful. God is good, when there was nothing good in me. He was hope, and He cover all of my sin. He was peace, when my fear was crippling. And I can now stand on this side of my battle and crap and look back and see how God is beginning to redeem my junk and strength gifts and talents I didn’t even know I had. 😛 I want to humbly say to you guys that I am not who I used to be, to that God gets all of the glory. I guess each time I have hit my knees that last couple of weeks, I feel an overwhelming sense of thankfulness and gratitude to God.

I know that God is still working on me. I am after all, human. And I know that I still have a long way to go, but I know that greater things are still yet to come in my own life. I am now excited for whatever is next (after I get through this crazy year!) I am no longer afraid of the future, or feel a need to control certain things in my life. I am merely grabbing God’s hands and walking this path with him. Or as I preached on Friday night, I am excited, to get in the boat with God and push out into the middle of the lake. I know that I still have my moments, I know I still make mistakes, but I know that in the end God still uses it, and I am continuing to seek after Him and whatever and however that may be.

They say it takes a village to raise a child. Well I say it takes a global village to raise a missionary kid. So I want to stop and thank all of you who have prayed over me and for me. I want to thank those of you who have added so much laughter to my life. Thank you for making me laugh when I have wanted to punch walls in. Thank you for those of you who have believed in me even when I didn’t believe in myself. Thank you to those of you who have pushed me to seek God or pushed me harder so that I can become better and stronger in some areas of my life. Thank you to some of you who I have been able to lean on when things have gotten tough or I have felt weak. You are all so important to me and I know I don’t say it enough or appreciate it enough. Thank you…each and every one of you. I don’t think I have big enough or long enough or even enough words to describe my thanks.

Thank you also to those of my friends both new and old. I know some of you might not realize the impact you have had on my life or how much you might have altered it and changed it, but you have. Some of you so dramatically changed it and some of you have sprinkled it. To each I am eternally grateful.

I wanted to close with this verse cause it kind of sums this all up:

Psalms 116:1-7

I love the Lord because he hears my voice and my prayer for mercy. Because he bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath! Death wrapped its ropes around me; the terrors of the grave overtook me. I saw only trouble and sorrow. Then I called on the name of the Lord: “Please, Lord, save me!” How kind the Lord is! How good he is! So merciful, this God of ours! The Lord protects those of childlike faith; I was facing death, and he saved me. Let my soul be at rest again, for the Lord has been good to me.

29. Jan, 2012

Restoring The Broken Girl

Restoring The Broken Girl

Restoring The Broken Girl

“This is a song for the broken girl. The one pushed aside by the cold, cold world. You are, hear me when I say. You’re not the worthless they made you feel. There is a Love they can never steal away. And you don’t have to stay the broken girl..”

All of us have a past. In your past, you may have been beaten, or sexually abused. Maybe you were verbally abused. Possibly, you could have abused yourself. Maybe you’re like my mom, who was told she was worthless, that she was nothing. Being beaten up with words every day of her life before she met my dad.  Maybe it is that the world has pushed you aside and not let you in. You are experiencing no friends or connections and you feel like you are all alone on a dessert island. No matter what has happened, that is your past. Christ loves you more than you will ever know!!! The cruel people of this world can NEVER take that Love away from you. He loved you enough to do the unthinkable.  He chose to give up His life, so that He could have a relationship with you. Your past is just that, it is your past!!! “You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do.” Don’t let your past stop you from the plans God has for you today and tomorrow, because no one else can fulfill those plans but you!!!

No, this is not your legacy. This is not your destiny. Yesterday does not define you. No, this is not your legacy. This is not your meant to be. I can break the chains that bind you.”

No matter what has been passed down to you, it is your past.  It doesn’t matter if you have had generations of huge screw ups, broken and messed up people in your Family Tree. Just because they lived that life, does NOT mean that you have to latch on to that and keep it going in your Tree. It’s not what YOU ARE meant to be. It’s not part of your future. God can break those chains that are attached to your ankles binding you to your past, but you have to let go of those chains. You are NOT meant to keep walking around tripping up and staggering around with those heavy chains. He will walk with you during this journey but He won’t do it all for you.  Not because He can’t, but because He knows to be truly free, you have to do this. Just let go!!! This is not meant for you!!! “And I will restore, all that was broken, you are loved…. And just like the seasons change, winter into spring, you’re bringing new life to your family tree now.” God has promised to heal your broken heart, and restore you. He will make you new. He will wipe away that broken part of your past.  And you will bring a new life to your family. You will have a NEW Family Tree full of life, growth and love!!!

“When You ran to me, I turned to run” I think often when we see God trying to run towards us, we are too frightened and we do turn and starting running from the only thing that can bring peace and ease to the pain in our hearts. STOP RUNNING AWAY FROM HIM!!!

“Let your tears touch to the ground. Lay your shattered pieces down. And be amazed by how Grace can take a broken girl, and put her back together again”

As soon as you let God in to your life, He will begin to give you a new heart:

2 Corinthians 5:17
“This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!”

As soon as you give up and lift your hands into the air and say ‘God, I’m done. Take me and make me new!!! Do in me what You wish!!! I am Your servant now.’, He will take over and He will begin the process of putting  you back together again. But not just the “old” you, but a BRAND NEW you!!!  Lay your old self down at the Cross and ask for forgiveness, then just watch what God does with your new life. How He restores you from your past and how He puts a broken person back together.  He will take your dark distorted view and with His light He will show you Truth. And again you’ll see through the eyes of a little girl” You look at this world, with hate and disgust for what it has done to you. You may even look at God with hate and disgust because you say He took your mum from you. Once you surrender yourself to Him, He will give you new eyes to look at this world with. You’ll see through those innocent eyes again. Those eyes you used when you were just a little girl. You’ll see He really didn’t take her from you, that He was there with her the whole time pursuing her too.

“There could never be a more beautiful you. Don’t buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through! You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do. So there could never be a more beautiful you”. What God sees when He looks at you is nothing less than His beautiful creation.  He has formed you, and put you together in your mother’s womb.  You ARE one of a kind and thus splendid and beautiful!!!  Don’t let the lies of this world fool you into believing differently.  You have a destiny and purpose that only you can fulfill.  Broken, chained and hiding out will never allow you to do that. Restoration and healing are closer than you can possibly imagine!!!