Dec 19

Strength and courage

by in Peppa

Today as I sat by the river, my thoughts ran wildly around me. I am drained; all my energy has seeped out of me. Throughout the last few weeks it has required too much brain power to sort out my emotions and thoughts, so I have shoved them aside. I can generally shove things aside during the day but at night they plague me, forcing my impossibly heavy eyelids to stay open until I deal with the demanding thoughts.  Needless to say I have had quite a few sleepless nights lately.

I need people to be praying for me, and I know this only reaches a handful of readers but some prayer is better than none. Tomorrow I board a plane that is headed for America. Most people would see this as a reason to be excited and to be fair, a part of me is, but for the most part I am terrified. Leading up to this trip I have acted the part, meaning I have talked it up and gotten excited when people expected me too. All the while inside I was trying not to go crazy.

When I step off that plane in Portland, I will come face to face with a family that is very much a part of my past. This is for good reason.  The lifestyle and the choices they make on a day to day basis are very destructive and can easily tear a person apart. I struggle when I am around them because of the darkness that surrounds them and their ability to drag me into it. After 26 years you would think I could handle it, but something inside of me just crumbles in the face of it.

Living in New Zealand I have built a new life for myself. I have found freedom in many areas of my life and I am genuinely happy. I am so very afraid of reverting back into who I was and claiming that identity instead of clinging to who I really am.  I have been so afraid that I have not wanted to voice my fears, in case just saying it out loud would bring it to be.  I do not want to fail. Everything inside of me wants to be able to stand strong and for this time to be different. Yet it is hard to not look back at my track record and see the pattern. I have failed every other time I have had to go back into that situation. I just desperately want this time to be different. I am scared of letting the people that I love down but more importantly of letting God down. The last few months I have been so frozen by that fear that I have curled protectively inside of myself, shutting out the people who love me most.

Today as I sat by the river and poured my heart out to God, He reminded me that I don’t have to do this alone; in fact alone it would be impossible. If I want to be able to stand in the face of this trial I will need to fully rely on God. I found great comfort in the fact that this is not my war to fight.  All God has asked me to do is to show up, believe in Him and stand firm… He will do the rest. Honestly that has been such a load off my shoulders. I can rest in the fact that God (who has already won so many battles for me) has got my back.

You might be asking yourself what this has to do with you at all? I so desperately need to be surrounded with prayer. I am asking for you guys to help fight on my behalf. I know there is so much going on in the world right now and my life is tiny compared to the grand scheme of things but prayer makes such a huge difference. I don’t want to walk into this without being covered because honestly I feel like I am entering dangerous waters and I will take all the help I can get. Pray specifically for strength and courage.

As for me, I have a game plan to help keep my wits about me, it involves a lot of journaling and staying wrapped in God’s Word. But to be honest I will just be happy to win the little battles. I spent far too many years trapped in this crazy world to ever want to be sucked into it again.

So while there are things for me to look forward to while in the States, I will be happy to place my feet back on New Zealand soil. Until then, please remember me in your prayers. I appreciate it in advance.

“This is my command-be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” ~ Joshua 1:9

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6 Responses to “Strength and courage”

  1. From Courtney:

    Oh, Peppa. I will be praying for you through out your time back in America.

    You have been called a new name. 2 Corinthians 5:17

    Posted on 19. Dec, 2012 at 10:58 pm #
  2. From Becky:

    Lifting you up to our Abba Father, who knows you so very well. Thank you for reaching out to those you trust to pray for you, to interceed for you, and be of any help you may find yourself needing. Blessings and strength be yours from our Daddy who holds you tightly in His hand and will never let you go. May you rise with wings out of this experience praising God for all he has done and will do.

    Posted on 20. Dec, 2012 at 3:45 am #
  3. From Jeff Mack:

    Find strength in The Lord. He will get you through all of this. You are well aware of this. I will add you to my prayer list. By the way I’m a friend of your mom and not a random stalker. Ha ha be strong and through the power of prayer we will all try to help give you strength.


    Posted on 20. Dec, 2012 at 8:33 am #
  4. From Joanne:

    Hey Peppa

    You don’t know me from a cake of soap, but I know your Mum. I have a similar situation to yours, and I still find it hard sometimes after 30 years (the devil sure knows where to find my weakest link). The thoughts of anticipation and caution are actually good for me – makes me totally reliant on my heavenly Dad (I tend to get a bit cocky otherwise!!)but the thoughts are not truth – truth is that I am heavenly positioned, that God is alive and well in my heart and that “He holds victory in store for those who love Him” (prov 2. He is so gracious Peppa, take that verse and hang on tight girlfriend. You are covered in prayer, you will be victorious – even if there are moments of what I call ‘slippage’. Extend grace to yourself and know you are loved.

    Posted on 20. Dec, 2012 at 8:34 am #
  5. From Molly:

    I am gonna be praying for you.
    I love you and so do many people and so does God.
    Hold tightly to what you know to be true.
    Returning to the past is freakin scarey and it is my prayer that you will return strengthened by the trials that lie ahead of you.
    I wish I could stand next to you and give you some kind of reassuring side squeeze.
    But just know that I would if I could.

    Posted on 20. Dec, 2012 at 12:54 pm #
  6. From Grandma Stark:

    Reading your blog reminded me of my time in 2 Corinthians this morning: “Our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.(4:17-18) …anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!(5:17) May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, the love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you.”(13:14) We are and will be praying for you. Hang on to Papa for all you’re worth, realizing that He is hanging on to you. Do you have a little cross (or something that would be a reminder for you) that you could carry in your pocket, or a little pin or earring or whatever – something tangible that you can touch and hold on to when things get tough, as a reminder of God’s presence and protection and love. And remember Jesus and the Holy Spirit are interceding for you, as well as all of us who love you and are praying for you.

    Posted on 20. Dec, 2012 at 2:49 pm #

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