Archive by Author
05. Apr, 2013

The Impossible Gap

The Impossible Gap

I’m sitting here tonight in something called the “impossible gap.”  This is a term I first heard coined by Christine Caine in one of her talks at Sistas.  The “impossible gap” is where it is not possible for humans to accomplish something, so God steps into the gap and does His thing to make the impossible, possible. I’ve been in this gap since the beginning of the year and there are a couple of things I have noticed while waiting here.

The first is this crazy idea people seem to have that if you are emotional, then obviously you are not trusting God enough. I have heard these words quite a few times as my emotions roll to the surface more frequently since being in this gap. I want to make it very clear here that I TRUST God and I fully believe that He has my future sorted. It says in His Word that He has plans to give me a future and a hope, plans for good and not for destruction (Jeremiah 29:11). All I have to do is look back at my life and see the ways God has sorted out my paths to be assured that He will take care of me once again in this unknown. I know that every day of my life has already been recorded in His book (Psalm 139:16) and I have no doubt that my current situation is not a surprise to Him. My heart knows without a shadow of a doubt that God has my future already sorted. That being said, I want to point out that I live in an emotional and physical body.  There will be times that I appear more emotional than others and will probably cry in those moments, NOT because I don’t trust God but because my heart hurts. I don’t think it is very Biblical to assume that someone has lost faith in God simply because they appear upset.  Jesus was emotional while He was here on earth. He got angry, felt compassion, was moved by the people He encountered, and He wept.  For example when Lazarus had died, Jesus wept because His heart was breaking for the people affected by Lazarus’ death. Jesus wept and He KNEW that He would be raising Lazarus from the dead very soon. He knew the end of the story and yet tears rolled down His cheeks.

I have no idea what God is planning for this next season in my life and I am okay with that.  But there will be days that my heart is tender and broken and I will need to weep, not because I doubt God but rather because my heart needs a release and to connect with God in that brokenness.  “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in Your bottle. You have recorded each one in Your book.” (Psalm 56:8) I just want people to understand that in my tears I am still believing God but that in that moment I need to cry. I need to be allowed to be broken and to hear God speak in that moment and place of brokenness because I believe He will meet me there. I don’t want to miss what He desires for me to hear in that place because I am too afraid that people will think less of my faith for crying.

The second thing I have noticed while waiting in this gap is how people try desperately to fix my problem for me. I can assure you that up to this point I have done everything I know to do in regards to immigrations. I have jumped through so many hoops and gone through so much paperwork that it could make a person’s head spin.  I have listened intently to people’s ideas as I have asked for advice. But there came a time when there was nothing more for me to try, it was time for me to wait and see what God was going to do.   No matter which way I look at this situation the gap is impossible. For me to stay in New Zealand is impossible, but for me to go back to the States is also impossible.  Either way God has to show up and make the impossible, possible. I’m not giving up or throwing in the towel, rather I am trying to get out of the way and allow God to move. I refuse to get caught up in this idea that I will make something happen, that there is some piece of paper I can show someone that will make them decided to do things my way. If I could achieve it myself, then why would I need God? I am choosing in this moment to wait and see what God has in store. Not because I’m lazy but because I think He has something awesome on the horizon and no matter where I end up, I’m going to stand back and be amazed. So thank you for your help and input, I know people are trying to help.  But honestly right now I think your prayers are the best thing you can offer me and open ears when I need to cry because I have a feeling there will be a lot of tears as I wait in this gap.

08. Mar, 2013

Facing Your Giants

Facing Your Giants

RocksAs I sit here with my second cup of coffee this morning (or is it my third??),  I am facing a new day. A new day that will be filled with joys, sorrows, ups, downs, and with giants that seem to be lurking around the corner.

Giants. They mock you, they taunt you, they scare you and make you run away. They parade up and down your school rooms, your youth group, your sport teams, your band, your bedroom and your heart. They tell you you’re not good enough, not talented enough and not brave enough, that you’re not smart enough, or loved enough. They tell you that you won’t make the team, or get the part or make the band or get the grade, that you won’t get “those” friends, (or really.. ANY friends for that matter). They tell you not to try, or entice you to give up or scream that you will fail. Your giants.

A lot of us face them in our lives, although they may not be ones that are standing physically before us, you need to know that they are still there. We face them in our lives. Yet they are not meant to make us run the other way or shrink back in fear. I want you to take a look at the life of David who went up against the biggest giant….that physically was standing in front of him. Talk about scary, knee-knocking scary. Yet David didn’t shrink back in fear, he didn’t run in the opposite direction, no David went head on. He ran at the giant with the strength of God. He faced the giant face to face, man to boy. Yet he knew he wasn’t standing alone.

“You come at me with swords and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the Lord Almighty, the God of armies of Israel, whom you have defied.”-1 Samuel 17:45

David knew he wasn’t facing his giant alone.  He knew that he was strong and mighty because of the God that he represented. He knew that he had all he needed, when he used the Name of Almighty God as his defense.  You and I need to know the same. We need to know that we don’t face our giants of loneliness, depression, fear, anxiety, unworthiness, or of guilt from your past, alone. We have the Lord of Angel Armies fighting with us; you and I have the Lord of hosts on OUR side!! That alone should make us want to rush at our giants head on with full force, with the purpose of taking them down.  David knew where his strength came from and he stepped into it. Not just “stepped” into it, in fact, ran at full force into it! You and I can do the same.

Your giant does not get to rule your life if you don’t let it. You know what your giant is.  You have felt your giant glaring down on you, but the question is, is that all you see? You know the voice of your giant as it mocks you, but do you hear the still small voice that whispers Truth to your heart? Do you hear God as He calls you to step out, do you hear Him as He says He is with you, that He loves you? David took on the giant with full force. He slung the rock and hit the giant and killed him. In a split second the giant went from taunting, scary and pacing, to dead on the ground in the blink of an eye. David had the courage to throw a stone.

And you do to. You have the same power that David has. You have the power to take on your giant, you get to say “Giant of depression it may take a while but you won’t conquer me!” “Giant of unworthiness, my God died for me, your voice will no longer rule me!.” “Giant of broken heartedness, you aren’t entering this house anymore!” “Giant of insecurity you no longer reign over me!” “Giant of loneliness you go away, for my God is ALWAYS with me!” You have the stones, God given Truths that you can sling at your giant. Sometimes it takes constant slinging of stones, constant truth being thrown at your giant, but sooner or later the giant will fall, the taunting voices will stop and the fear will no longer be present. But it takes you…to step out, to take on the giant. You know where your strength lies, you know where your victory comes from, but you need to claim it.

“Meanwhile, the Philistine, with his shield bearer in front of him, kept coming closer to David.  He looked David over and saw that he was little more than a boy, glowing with health and handsome, and he despised him. He said to David, ‘Am I a dog, that you come at me with sticks?’ And the Philistine cursed David by his gods. ‘Come here,’ he said, ‘and I’ll give your flesh to the birds and the wild animals!’ David said to the Philistine, ‘You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the Lord Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. This day the Lord will deliver you into my hands, and I’ll strike you down and cut off your head. This very day I will give the carcasses of the Philistine army to the birds and the wild animals, and the whole world will know that there is a God in Israel.  All those gathered here will know that it is not by sword or spear that the Lord saves; for the battle is the Lord’s, and he will give all of you into our hands.’ As the Philistine moved closer to attack him, David ran quickly toward the battle line to meet him. Reaching into his bag and taking out a stone, he slung it and struck the Philistine on the forehead. The stone sank into his forehead, and he fell face down on the ground. So David triumphed over the Philistine with a sling and a stone; without a sword in his hand he struck down the Philistine and killed him. David ran and stood over him. He took hold of the Philistine’s sword and drew it from the sheath. After he killed him, he cut off his head with the sword. When the Philistines saw that their hero was dead, they turned and ran.”  -1 Samuel 17:41-51

19. Dec, 2012

Strength and courage

Strength and courage

Today as I sat by the river, my thoughts ran wildly around me. I am drained; all my energy has seeped out of me. Throughout the last few weeks it has required too much brain power to sort out my emotions and thoughts, so I have shoved them aside. I can generally shove things aside during the day but at night they plague me, forcing my impossibly heavy eyelids to stay open until I deal with the demanding thoughts.  Needless to say I have had quite a few sleepless nights lately.

I need people to be praying for me, and I know this only reaches a handful of readers but some prayer is better than none. Tomorrow I board a plane that is headed for America. Most people would see this as a reason to be excited and to be fair, a part of me is, but for the most part I am terrified. Leading up to this trip I have acted the part, meaning I have talked it up and gotten excited when people expected me too. All the while inside I was trying not to go crazy.

When I step off that plane in Portland, I will come face to face with a family that is very much a part of my past. This is for good reason.  The lifestyle and the choices they make on a day to day basis are very destructive and can easily tear a person apart. I struggle when I am around them because of the darkness that surrounds them and their ability to drag me into it. After 26 years you would think I could handle it, but something inside of me just crumbles in the face of it.

Living in New Zealand I have built a new life for myself. I have found freedom in many areas of my life and I am genuinely happy. I am so very afraid of reverting back into who I was and claiming that identity instead of clinging to who I really am.  I have been so afraid that I have not wanted to voice my fears, in case just saying it out loud would bring it to be.  I do not want to fail. Everything inside of me wants to be able to stand strong and for this time to be different. Yet it is hard to not look back at my track record and see the pattern. I have failed every other time I have had to go back into that situation. I just desperately want this time to be different. I am scared of letting the people that I love down but more importantly of letting God down. The last few months I have been so frozen by that fear that I have curled protectively inside of myself, shutting out the people who love me most.

Today as I sat by the river and poured my heart out to God, He reminded me that I don’t have to do this alone; in fact alone it would be impossible. If I want to be able to stand in the face of this trial I will need to fully rely on God. I found great comfort in the fact that this is not my war to fight.  All God has asked me to do is to show up, believe in Him and stand firm… He will do the rest. Honestly that has been such a load off my shoulders. I can rest in the fact that God (who has already won so many battles for me) has got my back.

You might be asking yourself what this has to do with you at all? I so desperately need to be surrounded with prayer. I am asking for you guys to help fight on my behalf. I know there is so much going on in the world right now and my life is tiny compared to the grand scheme of things but prayer makes such a huge difference. I don’t want to walk into this without being covered because honestly I feel like I am entering dangerous waters and I will take all the help I can get. Pray specifically for strength and courage.

As for me, I have a game plan to help keep my wits about me, it involves a lot of journaling and staying wrapped in God’s Word. But to be honest I will just be happy to win the little battles. I spent far too many years trapped in this crazy world to ever want to be sucked into it again.

So while there are things for me to look forward to while in the States, I will be happy to place my feet back on New Zealand soil. Until then, please remember me in your prayers. I appreciate it in advance.

“This is my command-be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” ~ Joshua 1:9

31. Oct, 2012

Breathe

Breathe

Some of you may have heard that at the beginning of October I injured myself when I was tackled by a teenager at work. From that time my hip has given me continual problems. Today as I sat once again in the physiotherapist’s office with tears in my eyes, I felt immensely discouraged.  She had just finished trying to get me to bring my knee to my chest as she gently pushed down on it; which consequently caused pain to shoot through my hip and made me cry out. Hence the tears. I have now been referred to have an ultrasound done on the muscles surrounding my hip as she believes I have torn something in my muscles. I sat there only hearing half of what she was saying to me because to be honest they thought they figured out the issue before, only to be wrong. I thought about having to get up in a few minutes and the way my hip would surely catch as I stood. I thought about how many steps it would be back to my car. I thought about how much pain I have been in the past weeks when I have sat, stood, walked, slept, etc. I thought about how much I don’t want to hurt anymore.

As I was thinking and sorting through my thoughts, I felt as though God was asking me for some time. Just Him and me, without any distractions. So I went down to the back of camp and laid in the grass for a while, praying and chatting with God, watching the clouds drift lazily by. God started whispering to my heart to just stop and breathe. He asked me to breathe without saying anything, without praying, without doing anything but breathe.  I’m not sure how long I lay like that, just breathing and feeling the warmth of the sun of my face but eventually He spoke to my heart again. You see I have been busy the last couple of months. I have run from one thing to the next without stopping for air, until I fall into my bed at night exhausted. Today Papa reminded me of the need to slow down and appreciate the life around me. I lay on that grass and quieted my soul before Him. I have been so busy that I have been missing God in the moments that surround my days. I have become so hectic and drawn into the lie that I need to fill my days with as much stuff as I can, that I have been missing my Papa whisper to my heart. I know that God will take everything and make it work together for the good of those who love them. Today I can’t help but wonder if God is taking this injury to my hip and asking me to slow down(not that I think He caused the injury or that He won’t heal my hip, I just think He is using it as a tactile teaching thing for me).

Today as I lay in that grass I felt at peace for the first time in a long while. I felt God’s Spirit wash over my soul and a quiet calm settle in. Does my hip feel better? No. But more importantly my heart is at rest and it feels better. As I got up to walk back home I was reminded once again by the gentle whisper to just breathe.

129. Moments where God so clearly speaks to my heart
130. Watching the clouds in the sky
131. Feeling the warmth of the sun on my skin
132. The feel of grass beneath my feet
133. The physio who is working so hard to find answers
134. The reminder to slow down
135. Friends and fun times at a BBQ
136. Elderly ladies wanting to chat and their sweet spirits
137. Finishing outdoor first aid
138. Sista’s conference starting tomorrow
139. A pool to swim in
140. Noodle canteen opening in Matamata
141. The birds singing outside my window
142. A fresh breeze
143. Bible reading in the morning to challenge and inspire
144. Making daisy chains on the field
145. Beautiful spring days

26. Oct, 2012

Two years on

Two years on

Sometimes I forget what a mess I was two years ago. I mean some days it feels so close that I have a momentary panic that I’m one slip from going back into that muck. There are days that I get my thoughts wrapped in the wrong direction and I can feel myself heading down a dangerous road. Thankfully in two years I have learned that the past does not own me; I am not who I once was. It’s in those moments that I can almost forget where I was at just two years ago.  To get to the point I am at now, God sure had His work cut out for Him. I arrived in New Zealand exhausted from my battle, weary of going to a place where I didn’t know anyone and scared that I would not survive. Two years later I sit on my veranda, soaking in the sun and contemplate the fact that my life had drastically changed.

I arrived at Totara Springs Christian Centre a week after I landed in New Zealand. I was petrified. I guess that fear showed in my very countenance.  Lately I have asked people what they remember about me when I first showed up here at camp and the response is a bit surprising. Many people didn’t think I spoke I was so quiet. While others didn’t believe I would last or survive camp life. Hardly ever did I start a conversation and when loud people were around I seemed to shrink and shy away. Slowly as God worked on my heart I started to come out of my shell of self-protection. I entered into camp life and started interacting with people more. As God did an overhaul in me, I was starting to realize that I was made for more than I had believed I was. So I started to come to work and made it a goal to speak to someone and remain in the conversation. I know it sounds like such a small thing but to me it was massive. I was allowing people into my life which meant the very real possibility that they would reject me. This of course would have given me an excuse to walk back into my pit and wallow there but rejection was not what I found.

As my time here at the Springs has gone on I have found that people are odd. Meaning we all have our quirks about us, but I guess what I have also learned is that in the quirkiness beauty can be found. I have heard a lot of stories of people’s lives and it never ceases to amaze me that somehow against all odds, we are here, and we have all ended up at the Springs at this moment in time. I think our stories are meant to collide with each other and that we are meant to live in the beauty of community. To awaken our hearts to the love God has for His people.

The other day I stood watching the waves at the beach and was overwhelmed by the grace God has shown me. Two years ago I was trapped in a cage of addiction, wrapped in chains of shame and loathing.  Today I can throw my head back and laugh in the simple beauty of the day. I can speak to those around me, joke around and make mistakes and still be okay. I no longer fall completely apart when I am criticized or someone makes a suggestion to me. I have seen the darkness that this world can offer and I have come out the other side a free woman.  God has been so good to me.


“Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I’m found
Was blind, but now I see
‘Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed
My chains are gone
I’ve been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy rains
Unending love, Amazing grace” ~ Amazing Grace, Chris Tomlin

115. Celebrating being in New Zealand for two years
116. Spontaneous car trips to random places by the flip of a coin
117. Laughter of friends
118. Standing on a beach and feeling so small
119. Listening to the waves and remembering all God has done for me
120. That I am not defined by my past
121. Casual seagull wars with another car
122. Music and how it breathes to your soul
123. Freedom
124. Seeing childlike faith in those who came to Elevate
125. Friendships
126. The prayers of my family
127. Instead of a broken rib, just having very deep bone bruises on hip and rib
128. Temperatures that are starting to warm up

19. Oct, 2012

The blessing of friends

The blessing of friends

I have been keeping a list of thing I am grateful for the last few days but our blog site was down for some reason. We are back in action now though, so the list continues…

I guess the last week I have really been grateful for the friends God has placed in my life. I have been beyond blessed with a few really close friends who speak wisdom and truth into my life. I treasure each moment of laughter, tears and just the ability to do life together. Two years ago I was very much alone besides my family, God has graciously chosen to grant me the gift of friendship while I have been here in New Zealand. I know it might sound simple but just the ability to relate and have people know me and be known by me is enough to make my heart want to burst. Thanks Papa for all the wonderful people you have put into my life. How blessed am I?

 

88. Heidi and her beautiful friendship
89. Getting the chance to share life through skype with my friend
90. A day off to work on my quilt and get the front all sewn together
91. Lee allowing me to take over her house and all her help with my quilt
92. Baking for others and the awesome smells that make my house smell yummy
93. Impromptu singing session on the terrace
94. The turning of another page in a good book
95. Coffee with a friend, where neither of us got coffee
96. Watching the café’ owner steal branches off the pretty trees on the main road
97. The sense of community with those on site
98. Random barbecues and movies
99. Potato salad that reminds me of my grandma
100. Heart moments with God as He reveals more of His word
101. Little brownies who are excited to share what they did on holiday and things they learned
102. The feel of the grass underneath my feet
103. The feeling of cold water going down my throat the first thing in the morning
104. Cherry blossoms drifting in the wind
105. Moments to see God’s perfect timing and the beauty that brings
106. An unexpected card from Katie Waa
107. Driving in the car with the windows down and music blaring
108. Having a great family doctor( Dr. Miranda Churchill) who takes the time for her patients and actually hears them
109. Sun in the midst of rain
110. Brilliant rainbows with the most vibrant colors
111. My friend Jenn and the joy she brings to my life
112. Random gift of jelly beans
113. This weird Kinesio tape that is trying to help my rib and hip, I’m just excited about the bright color it comes in!
114. Red wine and dark chocolate…enough said
115. Seeing Pitch Perfect and laughing so hard my stomach hurt :)

08. Oct, 2012

It continues…

It continues…

On a day when  nothing seems to be going right and I keep messing up my words, just continuing my list is the best I can do.

81. A family where at the end of the day I can still be confident they love me, even if I don’t deserve it
82. The smell of clean laundry and how it invades my unit
83. A day to just relax and watch movies
84. My tattoo being fixed and looking so much better
85. Hugs at the exact moment you need one
86. The rain that is making the grass such a beautiful shade of green
87. Mis-matching socks to make me smile

06. Oct, 2012

The story behind my tattoo….

The story behind my tattoo….

Tattoos are one of those things that most people have some sort of opinion about. Some see them as art while others view them as an act of rebellion. There are many different views about tattoos and I guess I can’t hold a completely unbiased opinion seeing as how I myself have a tattoo.  This is not a blog to encourage or discourage someone from getting a tattoo. It is not even a blog to try to get people to change their opinions one way or the other. Rather, simply put, this is my story and the reason behind my tattoo.

For those of you who have not seen my tattoo, here is a picture of it (It is a before and after shot due to the fact that I needed to get it fixed which happened today):

 

I waited for a long time to decide exactly what my design would be, five years to be exact. I knew the basic idea of what I wanted but for some reason it wasn’t hitting home. Maybe I am wrong but I reckon God cares about everything about you even down to what you do to your body, which would explain why for 5 years my drawings never felt quite right. It wasn’t until I came out the other side of a very dark time in my life that I was finally able to draw exactly what I wanted as my tattoo.

A lot of people won’t know this but I struggled pretty drastically for quite some time with an eating disorder. I grew up with a mom who was both bulimic and anorexic, meaning the little food she did eat she quickly threw up. In my family we never talked about issues or things that were happening within our family.  So I watched from the time I was little until the day I left home my bio-mom slowly starve herself and deplete her body of any nutrition. As you can imagine I have a pretty warped idea of what healthy eating is and it can be quite a real struggle for me to eat properly and not worry about food or weight.

When I left Australia I was pretty wrapped up in the clutches of anorexia. I felt like I wasn’t measuring up to who or what I was supposed to be. I started trying to fit into the mold of what I thought was perfection. I would obsess about everything I ate and how much exercise I would need to do in order to work it off. I even somehow had it in my head that my curly hair was unacceptable so I would cut it in a way that was short and spiky in the back and straighten my fringe in the front. I was trying to erase any sign of curl because it didn’t fit into what I perceived was beautiful.  A lot of my ideas of beauty came from things I heard while growing up and what others had spoken over me. I finally felt like I was at an age where I could take matters into my own hands and take control. The not so funny thing about eating disorders is that you actually lose control the further you sink into the disease because it takes over you. You then fight harder to take control because you can feel the little control you had slipping from your grasp. Many people are of the opinion that once you struggle with an eating disorder you will never really recover and that you will always struggle with it once the opportunity presents itself. My family (this is my adoptive family…for those who are confused feel free to ask me about it but to put it simply I now have a family of my heart) was of a different opinion, they were convinced that I could break free from the grips of this disease. They started pouring truth from God’s Word into my mind believing that it would begin to reach my heart eventually. I’m not going to lie I was a wreck and I am very stubborn so it took a very long time for my heart to start to receive the truth. I was clutching onto the lies I had believed about myself for so long and it made it difficult for me to understand what truth was.

For many of you, who know me; you know that Psalm 139 is my favorite passage in the Bible. Throughout my struggle with anorexia I kept returning to this passage and wrestling with God about the words within. I had loved this Psalm for a while because of the very intimate images that were displayed throughout it. It was impossible for me to continue believing I was not good enough when I saw God’s heart echoing out of the words of this Psalm. Just have a look at some of the words that captured my heart.

“You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
Thank You for making me so wonderfully complex!
Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in Your book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed.
 How precious are Your thoughts about me, O God.
They cannot be numbered!
I can’t even count them;
they outnumber the grains of sand!
And when I wake up,
You are still with me!” ~ Psalm 139:13-18

Very slowly I started to allow these words to penetrate my heart. I’m not going to say it was an instant thing that happened but God started to open my heart to the fact that He had made me and thus I was exactly as I was supposed to be. Psalm 139 is very dear to my heart as it is the passage that helped pull me out of my eating disorder.

Another thing you need to know about me is that stars have always been really important and special to me. This is simply because they remind me of how much God loves me. Did you know that God has named each star by name and still He takes a personal interest in each of us? Even though I am so small in comparison to the galaxy, God still sees me and loves me. If that is not mind blowing I don’t know what is! I can stand looking up at the stars and just get lost in the wonder of God.

So what does this all have to do with my tattoo?  For me I need to have a very real reminder of what God has said about me. You see, my tattoo reminds me of what God thinks about and says about me. I never know when I will be attacked with doubt and often times I am caught off guard. I needed a reminder of Truth that I could instantly look at and start battling against the invading thoughts or lies that filled my head. Hence why I got my tattoo, it is an incredibly tactile way for me to remember God’s Word. You may or may not agree with tattoos, but for me it’s just another way to fight the battle of my thoughts. If you get nothing else out of this post I would just encourage you to go look up Psalm 139 and let the words wash over your heart as they so often do for mine.

06. Oct, 2012

A heart for children

A heart for children

For those of you who have questioned and wondered if I had disappeared or given up on my list, I assure you I have not. This last week was kid’s camp here at Totara and thus all my time and energy was poured into the happenings here.  Now that our first holiday camp has ended I am able to take a breath and get back on track with this dare.

Some times as I travel through the days at camp I am overwhelmed, not by the chaos that kids bring but rather by the grace of God that I am involved in this life. I am often humbled that I have the amazing privilege of showing kids the love that God has for them. My heart bursts because for some this might be the first glimpse of love they have ever experienced. Knowing where I came from and the life that I have lived I can’t help but wonder why. Why would God use someone like me? I have made so many mistakes in my life and have often gone down the wrong roads. I am stunned that God would allow me the opportunity to serve Him in such a way. The funny thing is that I used to not like kids or rather I was terrified of ruining a kid’s life. So the fact that I have ended up at a camp filled with kids day after day is insane.

You see I was afraid of kids for the very simple reason that I was afraid I would somehow mess them up. I was terrified that I would be the one who could not love them enough and thus be the person who irreversible screwed them up. I was afraid of making a mistake and to be quite honest I was worried about the responsibility that comes with kids. They watch you and mimic your life as they try to sort out what is right and wrong and I knew how messed up I was, I didn’t want some kid to end up like me.  Yet somehow kids were drawn to me and slowly God softened my heart to what He was doing. I know that I don’t always get things right, and sometimes I get annoyed with the young campers that come through our gates. At the same time God has given me a heart for these kids and He is constantly working on my heart to show me how to love and serve them better. To be honest I love that I have the chance to see their lives changed. Not many people can say that they have the opportunity to touch so many kids’ lives. If all I do is help one child see the love of God than my life will have been worth it. This is why I get so wrapped up in kids camps and why I disappear from the world for a short time.

Here is my list for this post:
61. The opportunity to be a part of this amazing work here at camp
62. Seeing kids want and get Bibles
63. Watching as campers sing worship songs and memory verses
64. Having my brother here as a leader
65. Top town and all the crazy fun it was
66. The LIT team and just the servant hearts the crew had
67. Being able to stand beneath the beautiful stars at night
68. Smiles on kid’s faces throughout the week
69. Being exhausted at the end of the week, knowing I gave all I had
70. Getting a camper to go down the flying fox who was petrified
71. Connecting with the LIT’s
72. Coffee with Angus, Natasha, Anna and Courtney in the early mornings?
73. A comfy couch to sit on to relax in
74. A slow Saturday to rejuvenate
75. The lives of campers who were changed
76. The beautiful cherry blossom trees that are littering the road with pink
77. The cool breeze on my face
78. Quiet wisdom spoken to my heart
79. Cats to snuggle with
80. Blue sky for a beautiful spring day!

01. Oct, 2012

Healing wounds…

Healing wounds…

People say that time heals all wounds and I believe that idea to a point. I think that the rawness of a painful situation start to lessen as each day goes by. It becomes easier to get up each morning and eventually you stop just going through the motions. One day you wake up and you realize you have made it through five minutes without your mind being wrapped up in the situation and the pain. And as life does; time marches on and somehow you begin to settle back into a routine of normalcy.  Yet the thing that always gets me is that no matter how much time has passed there will always be something that triggers your memory. It might be something simple like a song, a smell, a name, a similar looking person, a date etc., but there is always something that takes you back. Sure the emotions might not be as intense as they once were but your heart is still attached to that memory.

Six years on and no matter how hard I try I cannot forget this date. It has been imprinted into my heart whether I like it or not and it is a part of my story.  I imagine that if the last five years are any indication tonight I will struggle to sleep. I guess I wanted to write a blog tonight because though this date is hard for my heart, I am so very thankful for what God has done in my life and for me since then. My life was not ruined at the hands of a selfish man like I thought it would be. To be honest if I could, I would take the night of rape out of my story. I would rewrite the script in an instant if I was in charge. At the same time, I would not change how deep it made my relationship with God. That night challenged me in ways I would never imagine and there were some very dark times that made survival almost impossible. I guess what really pulled me through was the ray of hope that God allowed in my life. He placed a family in my life that soon absorbed me as their own and helped me fight through the muck. At some point I realized I would wake up and go through an entire day without thinking of that night.  And eventually my heart was healed, but not by time like many think. I owe my mended heart to the patience of God and of my loving family. And for that I am thankful.

55. I am thankful that God did not say yes to my broken prayer that night and that I am still here experiencing life.
56.  I am abundantly thankful for the family that He placed me in
57. I am so grateful that I no longer live in fear
58. I am thankful for God who hears my cries
59. I am grateful I can laugh again and that I am not like a zombie
60. I am thankful that I can connect with girls that have similar experiences to me